Me and my good pal Scarlet meet pretty regularly each month, however I find it quite frustrating that this duty friend I have to tolerate unfortunately has a couple of evil henchmen she insists on bringing with her: Rage and Anxiety, who tend to make our meet ups rather fraught.
Rage was the first of Scarlet’s sidekicks to make an appearance quite some time ago but he was always relatively easy to subdue in those early days of our acquaintance. When myself and Scarlet reconciled after an 18month break, while I was pregnant with Small and I recovered from having her (and was breastfeeding), it was on very different terms. Rage had clearly been aggrieved by this period of absence because he had become extremely volatile and very difficult to control and worse still he now had a girlfriend who insisted on accompanying them: Anxiety.
So now my monthly “dates” with Scarlet are full of irrational and volatile bursts of anger beset with periods of very dark depression like feelings. Not the best cocktail of emotions to be dealing with when feeling naturally self conscious, sleep deprived and on edge.
I’ve suffered with anxiety since I was a very small child, and was surprised during pregnancy to be mostly free of it (with the odd exception where I would irrationally freak out about lying on my back when asleep, or inadvertently eating something bad). More surprising was the lack of any kind of attack after Small’s birth when she was very poorly. Strange… Admittedly it did return with a vengeance whenever we had any kind of hiccup with feeding, behaviour, sleeping – the usual! It was however typically short lived and settled after a day or so.
Scarlet decided to come back into my life just when Small’s first major eczema flare was at its peak. For a couple of days before I started to feel a bit unsettled, and then WHAM on the first day of her stay I went haywire! Small had saliva rash on her hands and face (including her eyes), that had turned into eczema. She was rubbing her face constantly and wouldn’t let me put cream on her. Every time she touched her face I felt a needle of rage sear in my stomach. On one occasion I ended up lobbing the cream across the room and leaving my squirming and screaming baby with Hubby (who incidentally always suggested I don’t bother with the cream! I won’t elaborate on this point as it only serves to infuriate me even more).
The ball of rage needles that had been developing in my stomach finally exploded like a nail bomb across the kitchen in a volley of expletives and abuse towards a rather defenseless Hubby. Once the bomb had gone off the emotional pendulum swung to the opposite side and I collapsed in a pile of despair. Fear was spiralling around my head: I was frightened Small would claw her skin off, she’d scar herself forever, her beautiful face would be permanently a source of skin ruin, I was failing at being able to control it because she herself wouldn’t let me apply the creams she needed to help her and make it better. I am sure this is a mental ordeal most parents whose baby develops infantile eczema, and then childhood eczema, always go through, and in reality Small’s was pretty mild, but at this time I felt like I was at the bottom of a hole that couldn’t be escaped.
But the following month, when there were no obvious triggers for a breakdown, Scarlet and her mates turned up and I started to question everything. I was angry about nothing. I was desperate to pick a fight with Hubby about anything, but at the same time I was riddled with fear that our relationship was falling apart. I was insecure about myself as Small’s mum, as Hubby’s wife, and miserable about the fact that I was still dealing with pain from the after-effects of birth. I quickly realised it was my visiting chums causing this neurotic spiraling but what worried me was how extreme and volatile my behaviour was becoming. I felt so angry it was hard to deal with Small, I had to leave the room on several occasions because I had to take some serious deep breaths and walk around the house to simmer down. I stress I always left her where she was safe.
I knew my hormones would go a bit crazy after having Small, but I don’t like to be at the mercy of them. I began to be afraid I would hurt Hubby with the venomous things I would say (if I hadn’t already), I was scared I was falling apart, and worse still I was frightened I was developing that extreme PMS that some poor women are subjected to. So I started taking Kalms. That’s a pretty big step for me. I’ve never medicated for anxiety before mainly because having had it since early childhood I’ve developed coping mechanisms which have always made me feel in control. I wasn’t going to take the remedy all the time, just for a couple of days before Scarlet was due to show up and then for the first 3 days of her visit when I’m at my most volatile. I also went to see my GP.
I had a long list of quibbles and worries to discuss with my GP and I am lucky to have one who gives me the time to chat things through. She agreed I was exhibiting signs PMS but whilst my responses and behaviour remained non-physical we were ok. She did tell me Kalms are more a placebo, but I had found that first month I had started taking them I had no irrational outbursts, in fact no emotional turmoil at all, therefore placebo or not I was feeling the benefit! We agreed that if the situation were to change we would consider other options.
This was about 6 months ago, and Scarlet has been without her horrible sidekicks since then. I stopped taking Kalms when I realised I’d forgotten them the first month I was back at work. Having some me space (which work really was) back in my life seemed to be helping with the control. This became more apparent when we were away a couple of weeks ago. Scarlet decided to come with us on holiday (of course she did!) and her 2 nasty friends appeared on the second day of our trip. It’s a truly horrible feeling to be on holiday where your baby is having the time of her life, and you should be thrilled to see her having a wonderful time when instead you just feel really sad and really insecure. I bottled it all up because I didn’t want Hubby to know that I wasn’t feeling right.
I should probably also point out that we were both a bit strained. We soon realised that holidaying with a toddler is not like what holidays used to be like. You don’t get have a lie in, a leisurely breakfast followed by a day by the pool doing nothing more strenuous than lifting a drink and turning the page of your book. No holidays now are basically your exhausting weekend at home made more exhausting by having to get to grips with a different environment, where the baby won’t sleep because everything’s new so it’s even later nights, even earlier mornings and even cuddles through the night!
But one thing my recent encounter with Rage and Anxiety taught me was that I need to have the space to deal with my hormones if I am to prevent them taking control of me, so if I am not at work I need to manage them through Kalms or through some other outlet. Incidentally I dreamed up the 2 cuddly versions of these evil emotions whilst we were away and had a great time making them when we were home.
