Very strange happenings occurred a few weeks ago. Small was turning 1 in a few days and out of nowhere I suddenly started feeling very off. I was really emotional, on edge and very anxious seemingly out of nowhere.
Admittedly we’d had a bit of a nightmare month, it started with our first ever trip to urgent care a few weeks back with conjunctivitis. The following weekend she had an alarming fever and a dreadful night breaking out in a strange looking eczema flare that then became a rather alarming rash. 2 more trips to an out of hours GP and then urgent care suggested firstly infected eczema but then actually it was Hand Foot & Mouth. So that was our Nursery Plague initiation complete! By the end of the weekend I had a sore throat and despite Small being all better bar the rash, I was off work for half the week with what felt like flu (and real flu not just a bad cold!). So yes adults can get HF&M and yes it is worse and different to what kids get. Just in case you ever question whether you have adult HF&M I had flu like symptoms for 3 days and then on day 5 blisters on my hands and feet (rather than day 3) and then day 7 spots all round my mouth and chin – NICE! And a sore throat like nothing I’ve ever experienced… Anyway I’ve digressed as usual. We were then in urgent care the next weekend when her eyes swelled up again but this time it was hay fever. Hilariously we were given drops to use twice a day… oh yes if you think administering antibiotics to an infant is hard try eye drops!
And then we had teething…
Small didn’t have any teeth yet (and yes I do worry I’ve given her too much fruit and they’ve rotted before they’ve even come through…). Since she was 3 months I have blamed lots of things on teething, however nothing we’ve experienced before compares to what we had to endure at the end of that week. Scary fevers, waterfalls of dribble, limpet style cuddling, odd interruptions of hysterical screaming and clinginess – lots and lots of clinginess. And this was during a scorching heatwave! Hideous. Then when all of that seemed to have settled down slightly she broke out in an odd looking heat rash all over her face. I just imploded! After so much going on my over worked, over imaginative, paranoid mind freaked out and rang 111 for the fourth weekend in a row panicking that my child had measles 🤦🏻♀️ (I should add a great big thank you to the very lovely people at 111 definitely one of the best NHS services I have come across). They quickly reassured me that it sounded like a regular heat rash (albeit not raised) and she would be very very poorly if she had measles…
So given the above it’s understandable that I might have been feeling slightly on edge. What I was feeling was like PMS, but at the wrong time! Hubby also cottoned on because when I randomly burst into tears declaring I just felt so out of control he just responded with “are you on your period?”. Not massively helpful I know but a fair observation.
So that brings us to the weird feelings of fear and weepiness. I woke up on Monday with the “worry tum”, something was worrying me but I had no idea what. I got on the train to go to work and opened my phone to a picture of Small (my wallpaper) and my eyes pricked with tears – what is happening to me? And not the best place to have an emotional moment on a busy train full of grumpy commuters. This continued all day, weird feelings of panic, I risked tears everytime I saw her picture, I nearly rang nursery on 2 occasions to make sure she was ok. This situation was not helped by it being by far the worst day at work I’ve had since long before I went on maternity. Every time someone asked how Small was (was she excited about her birthday?!) the waterworks threatened. When I text Hubby to say I was feeling off (understatement of the year!), he responded with a lovely message and a picture of Small on the swings, and this sent me well and truly over the edge. I actually had to have a blub in the toilets. I should stress this is not how I am EVER! Admittedly I have had weird PMS since being pregnant but even that doesn’t compare to this crazy, emotional overload.
The worry tum was there every morning that week. Completely unexplained and unfounded. I didn’t think I was worried about anything. So naturally I spoke to my NCT friends (a very solid self help group!) to find I wasn’t alone, others had also felt this weird emotional and anxiety surge. I then did a Google, and guess what? This is so common! For many mums out there this emotional tailspin happens every year approaching a child’s birthday, not just the first.
What I find odd is it’s not like I’m remembering things from the birth or afterwards but just thinking about my precious little Small manifests these overwhelming emotions. Perhaps I was also suffering with my own version of separation anxiety that the babies also suffer with at this age? Wouldn’t that be weird? It definitely calmed over the course of the week but the panic remained in my stomach threatening to re-emerge.
For me that Monday was a bit of an eye opener, maybe it is completely normal to feel like this but it reminded me I had resolved to look into counselling once I was back at work. There are still demons from those first few weeks after Small was born that need to be put to rest.
On a happier note, Small had a remarkable transformation for her birthday weekend returning to our wonderful bundle of joy with no sign of the clingy baby. She was the life and soul of her party which was a relief, and a couple of days later her first teeth arrived – maybe they hadn’t rotted away after all!
To all the mummies out there 😘
